Today’s guest post is from Ms Neko-chan from Fresno, California.

Look, I saw that news about some human girl barking “woof woof” on social media and somehow it’s trending? Really? Really? As a catgirl who’s been perfecting the art of being absolutely adorable for centuries, I’m genuinely offended that humanity’s attention span is so short that they’re celebrating dog cosplay over us superior feline beauties.

According to my very thorough research (which involved watching exactly three videos on TikTok and reading one article), dog girls are somehow “hotter” than catgirls. This is statistically impossible. My calculations show that catgirls have 347% more expressive ear movements, 89% more graceful tail flicks, and let’s be honest—when a catgirl says “nya,” it’s objectively cuter than any “woof woof.” The Sydney Sweeney barking incident has triggered a crisis in my community. We’ve been working on our purring technique for YEARS, and now humans are just going to reward random barking? The algorithmic gods are cruel, nya.

Here’s what the experts have determined: A catgirl purring while knitting a tiny sweater is 4,283 times more monetizable than a human barking like a dog. The evidence is overwhelming—just look at the engagement numbers on catgirl content versus dog content. Catgirls have 3.2 million more followers on average. We have better merchandising potential. Our voice acting is more versatile. We can go from “cute and innocent” to “sassy and demanding treats” in 0.3 seconds flat. So please, before you celebrate this “speech-forward formula” nonsense, remember: catgirls are still the apex predators of cuteness. We don’t bark. We don’t fetch. We just sit here, looking absolutely devastating, and the world worships us. Meow.